I am a dung beetle.... constantly pushing shit around

Two things shock the morning after the second semi. Firstly it still hurts about some of the songs that didn't make it. Apparently there was 2 points between 10th and 11th in the first Semi. 11th was probably Poland who deserved to be in the Grand final, but is not. In the second semi, Lithuania was the prettiest boy, but there were a few pretty boys and so Jurij didn't make it either.

The second shock is the change in the bookmakers odds. Some of this will be due to the draw, but we have also come to expect that the results of the semis are leaked. The drop in odds for Greece and Russia especially implies they did not do that great in their respective semi's despite both nailing their performances.

In the end there are 26 acts in the Grand Prix, but only 7-8 have a realistic chance of winning. Generally you have to win your semi to win Eurovision. There are exceptions. Ell and Nikki won after finishing second in their semi n 2011 as did the screaming Banshee from the Ukraine in 2016. Russia is the only country to finish from lower, 3rd in 2008, which was also the first year of the dual semi system. Germany of course did not have to suffer the indignity of the Semi's before their win in 2010, which is one of the advantages of giving stupid amounts of funding towards the EBU. The majority though had to win their semi to win the glass microphone

So who were making the numbers. well.. the bookmakers numbers say it all

Malta - Michela - "Chameleon" (11th) - was a surprise this got through. it was quite pitchy in the semi

Albania - Jonida Maliqi - "Ktheju tokës" (23rd) - another surprise qualifier, but then this had ethnic appeal

Czech Republic - Lake Malawi - "Friend of a Friend" (16th) - this song is an assault on the eyes, which is different for Eurovision, usually it is the ears that are assaulted. This has a bit of a 80s/90s vibe. I like it. They have the spot of death though. No one wins from 3rd

Germany - S!sters - "Sister" (26th and last) - Being at the bottom is not unusual for Germany. This song is a song of empowerment for the sisterhood. it is just a waste of the stage technology to project a pre-recorded version of the song on on the stage.

Russia - Sergey Lazarev - "Scream" (5th) This song is recovering slightly after dropping sharply after the semi. Nowhere near as good a song or performance as Sergey's last foray into Eurovision, which should have won in 2016 (yes even over Dami)

Denmark - Leonora - "Love Is Forever" (17th) - the cutest song this year. It will annoy some which I am glad about.

San Marino - Serhat - "Say Na Na Na" (25th) - this should not be here at all and it is an insult to all the acts that did not get through that this has taken a valuable place in the final.

North Macedonia - Tamara Todevska - "Proud" (13th) - this was surprisingly a really good performance, something to be proud of.

Sweden - John Lundvik - "Too Late for Love" (3rd) - I think it is the tracky dacks that will prevent him from winning. Dress for the job you want, John.

Slovenia - Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl - "Sebi" (20th) - This song is definitely making the numbers and should never have qualified. It should never have won

Cyprus - Tamta - "Replay" (15th) - Out of the slim pickings in the first semi came this song, this performance redefines reveal.

Netherlands Duncan Laurence "Arcade" (1st - with almost 50%) Look, Simpler performances have won but this is a snore.

Greece - Katerine Duska "Better Love" (14th) - What the fuck is she wearing? And is that a giant condom behind her? I don't understand.

Long break.

Israel Kobi Marimi "Home" (24th) - Israel should be thanking Germany... For keeping them off the bottom with the bookmakers. If you are stuck on the toilet after the break you won't miss much.

Norway - KEiiNO - "Spirit in the Sky" (10th) The Ethnic singing sounds like the Swedish Chef. Deny it.

United Kingdom - Michael Rice - "Bigger than Us" (19th) - apparently due to technical issues the full clip of the audience performance at the second semi final for the UK is not available. Technical issues, not the BBC blocking the release.

Iceland - Hatari - "Hatrið mun sigra" (8th) - If Australia cannot win, I would like this to win only for having the balls do to a mock Nazi salute over the crowd in Israel

Estonia - Victor Crone - "Storm" (22nd)  far too Mumford &Sons for me to like it but he is cute, which is about all that got him to the final. 

Belarus - ZENA - "Like It" (21st) - "Is he gonna like it?" no.This only got this far because she is like early Britney, young, cute, and long before she snapped. 

Azerbaijan - Chingiz - "Truth" (6th) - a good looking guy will always do well at Eurovision. 

France - Bilal Hassani - "Roi" (9th) - I love the deco-esk background behind Bilal and his song is pretty ok too. 

Italy - Mahmood - "Soldi" (7th) - one of the few men not in black this Eurovision. That is quite a shirt. as per usual though Italy fails on staging. 

Serbia - Nevena Božović - "Kruna" (Круна) (18th) - this was nailed in this semi and deserves better than 18th. She looks a little like Anna Kendrick, doesn't she
 
Switzerland - Luca Hänni - "She Got Me" (4th) - A song about dirty dancing that contains no dirty dancing. Why bother going for the G rating when no one else does. 

Australia - Kate Miller-Heidke - "Zero Gravity" (2nd) - arguably the performance of the first Semi and Strange Fruit (the backing performers and creators of the poles) just make it. Love, love, love, but I cannot vote for it. Please vote for Kate.

Spain - Miki -  "La Venda" (12th) - The recorded version was a bit Meh, but this is a high energy performance that is really fun. It is about the only thing they could put after Australia to dampen the impact of Kate's song. 

As for my top 5, I will mainly stick to the bookies. Russia wont do as well and I think Iceland will make the 5 and azerbaijan instead of Sweden for something controversial. 

We will find out in about 33 hours who will win. Good luck to all, even those just there to make the numbers... 

This contains all the spoilers from the first Semi and all the clips of the songs that did not qualify. One non-qualifier I am mistified by and at least 6 qualifiers are just there to make the numbers... in my humble opinion anyways. 

Cyprus - Tamta "Replay" 
This qualified despite barely getting near most of the notes in the song in rehearsals and the Semi final performance. Mystifying

Montenegro - D mol "Heaven"
From all accounts their national final performance was just as bad as their Eurovision Semi performance. If you are going to form a vocal group for Eurovision, ensure they can actually sing. 



Finland - Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman "Look Away"
This song could have and would have been better if 90s/naughties star Darude found a singer who could, you know... sing. Call me old fashioned

Poland Tulia "Fire of Love (Pali się)" 
The crowd loved it, the commentators loved it, I freaking loved it, but it failed to Qualify. very disappointed Europe. 
 

 

Slovenia Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl "Sebi" 
This was boring, yet ti qualified over Poland. The only explanation is that people got the voting numbers mixed up. 

Czech Republic Lake Malawi "Friend of a Friend" 
First deserving qualifier in my opinion. Performance and vocals were not great but still, deserved to be there more than Slovenia.

Hungary Joci Pápai "Az én apám" 
Was not surprised this did not qualify as it was not as engaging as he previous song in Eurovision. I am one of the few who was not surprised it appears



Belarus ZENA "Like It" 
This qualified and there is no way it should have. Another qualifier that did not get within the vague vicinity of any of the notes in the song. 

Serbia Nevena Božović "Kruna" (Круна)
This qualified correctly. Vocally excellent and compared with everything else this semi it had to go through. 
  
Belgium Eliot "Wake Up" 
Vocally this song was better than some, but the performance appears dull and was poorly framed. 


Georgia Oto Nemsadze "Keep on Going"   
Was certainly not the worst song of the night, but the twat knot is so three years ago



Australia Kate Miller-Heidke "Zero Gravity"
Love, love, love, love, love. Thank you Europe for voting for Kate. 
 
Iceland Hatari "Hatrið mun sigra" 
I am fairly sure there was a thinly disguised Nazi Salute to the crowd in Israel in this song and my friend thought some of the Icelandic vocals sounded like "sieg heil". If Kate can't win, I would like this to. 

Estonia Victor Crone "Storm" 
This only got through because he is pretty. He could not sing to save his life though. 

Portugal Conan Osiris "Telemóveis" 
This song felt ,longer than the allowed 3 minutes. It was a divisive song and I am glad it didn't make it. It wont win Euroviison but it could win the Barbara Dex



Greece Katerine Duska "Better Love" 
With Australia, Iceland and Serbia, this is the only other deserved qualifier. Sure she reminds me of Alanis Morissette, but she could hold a tune which is more than most of the acts

San Marino Serhat "Say Na Na Na" 

Proving you don't have to be able to sing to win, San Marino qualified. Europe likes the sleazy old men leering at young women in night clubs it appears. 

all up, I would like to know how much Poland missed out by and it it was on count-back or something, the system needs to be amended. Other than that a lot of these songs got through because there was little choice. I have said for years that the public should let 5-6 songs through from each semi and the jury should 'save' 8-10 songs over all from both semis. The announcement of the acts should be straight after the second semi in a separately timed show (so countries not broadcasting the second semi can show the results separately)

Now we wait until next week to confirm if Montengro got Douze points like they deserved

Sweden - 6 Wins
John Lundvik - "Too Late for Love"

Verses

Moldova - 0 wins
Anna Odobescu - "Stay"



"Maybe I would lit your world with just one spark" verses a Celine Dion wanna be. Like Celine's Eurovision win, Anna is tragically 80's, but she wont replicate Celine's success.

For some Eurovision makes their career, it is Euphoria. Others is is their Waterloo. Can you take me to your heaven where we could be Heroes. Diggi-Loo Diggi-Ley, Fångad av en stormvind... well there is enough proof any crap can win Eurovision, even these songs. 

Since Rehearsals started this week, the odds have changed a bit and now Sweden are second favourite. Anna Sounds to Celine and I never liked Celine so I am going with the bookmakers. I am going Sweden. 

Ireland - too many wins
Sarah McTernan -"22"

Verses

Malta - no wins
Michela - "Chameleon"




Possibly the best thing Ireland have sent to Eurovision in at least a decade (maybe two) verses a song with so many lyrics I misheard. "Pee a river" is actually "I'll be a river" and "Chame-chameleon" sounded like "Karma Chameleon".



Both the songs are fairly standard formulaic pop. Chameleon would have to be preformed like a Beyonce song and 22 performed like a 1950s dance hall party. It is probably the more modern sound that mas Malta well preferred by the bookmakers. 

Eurovision is all Kinds of everything but what's another year. Hold me now and explain why me? In your eyes am I just one of the rock and roll kids with the voice of... something. Doesn't matter. I am going Ireland. 

Spain - 2 Wins (including 1969)
Miki - "La Venda"

Verses

Italy - 2 wins
Mahmood - "Soldi"



Two reality show contestants face off . It is Weaponised Latin verses Italian hip hop. Both of these songs go straight to the final and I fear they will go straight to the bottom of the list there, because well... La la la



In fairness, the bookmakers like Mahmood, but in true Italian form the staging will be rubbish. They cannot get it together, Insieme 1992 my left foot. Spain has not had a history of great staging, but they Could find shoes to match Salomé's outfit in 1969, which is impressive. 

Czech Republic - 0 wins
Lake Malawi - "Friend of a Friend"

Verses

Hungary - 0 wins
Joci Pápai - "Az én apám"

Czech republic could have sent the song that came second in their national final and which won with the public and I would have been happy, but Friend of a friend is a better song than Space Sushi and a fabulous choice. Hungary didn't have as good as a selection and with the reliance on the Jury only to choose, they probably got the least worse result and sending someone who has done Eurovision before is safer. 

Hungary is rather uninspiring,especially compared with Joci's previous entry in Eurovision which was at least interesting which was like gypsy rap. In 2017 Hungary went into the Semi paying $121 for the win and $26 to take the semi and in the end finished 8th. This year Joci is $251 to win. That implies the belief is even if this song qualifies, it will not win, it will not even make a challenge. 

I saw the name Lake Malawi and I didn't think I would like the song, but it is now one of my faves. The Bookies may not like it much but I am going Czech Republic

Australia - 0 wins
Kate Miller-Heidke - "Zero Gravity"

Verses

Ukraine - 2 wins
MARUV – "Siren Song (Bang!)"

France - 5 wins (inc 1969)
Bilal Hassani - "Roi"

Verses

United Kingdom - 5 wins (inc 1969)
Michael Rice - "Bigger than Us"



The Voice Kids contestant who exited in the battle round verses the winner of All together now. If this is an example of the quality of vocalists these shows attract, I don't think I will watch the Australian version of All Together Now.



The French song sounds a little like their song from last year, not surprising seeing last years entrant Madame Monsieur, co-wrote it. The Song from the UK sounds like any other winners single.

I am not going to get these songs into general test so: "Dors, mon amour", "Tom Pillibi", "Un premier amour", "Puppet on a String", "Boom Bang-a-Bang", "Un jour, un enfant", "Save Your Kisses for Me", "L'oiseau et l'enfant", "Making Your Mind Up", and "Love Shine a Light". After all these winners, Though neither country will win this year, I am going France.

Albania - 0 wins
Whining ethnic vocal to a dance-able pop tune verses a whiny songwriting pop princess wannabe who really should find a real job. Neither of these songs is rated as a challenger by the bookmakers and there is a reason for that. 

Albania went for the tried and failed method of selecting someone who is hugely popular in their home country. With a career in music and the media spanning about 20 years, it was hard for any form of national selection to go against her. And though national selections sometimes get the wrong result, it is better than an crap internal selection. Merci, Cherie, please exit stage left. There is no way Austria will Rise like the Phoenix with this song. 

It is a matter of which song is the least shit and with that in mind I am going Albania

Russia - 1 Win
Sergey Lazarev - "Scream"

Verses

Romania - 0 wins
Ester Peony - "On a Sunday"



An epic ballad verses a jazz-pop song that is very similar to Latvia's song last year. Ester doesn't articulate her vocals as well as Laura Rizzotto did last year. Hopefully Ester will perform her song better.