I am a dung beetle.... constantly pushing shit around

United Kingdom
Final
Artist: Lucie Jones
Song: Never Give up On You
odds: $51

Word of the day
Bollocks.
Just Bollocks

 

Kirsten Stewart has changed her name and her career and is representing the UK. Good to see that she can almost smile. Almost

This song really needs a dance remix and fortunately someone has made one that isn’t bad. It is actually better than the original song. Is it too late for the UK to alter their entry for this Eurovision?

This years’ song was co-written by the winner of the 2013 Eurovision, Emmilie de Forest. The Year before Emmilie won for Denmark, Jedward were at Eurovision and they finished 19th. Lucie finished 8th on series 6 of X-Factor after being knocked out by Jedward, and that is the circle of life.

This year’s song is called never give up on you, which is a bit too close to Never Gonna Give You Up as a name for a song. The UKs entry in 1983 was I’m Never Giving up. With these songs, maybe the UK should… Give up…

Montenegro
Semi Final 1
Artist: Slavko Kalezić Славко Калезић
Song: Space
Odds: $151

Word of the day
довиђења Dovidjenja - Goodbye
Please don't return with this crap next year.



What the actual fuck. This appears to be 3 minute community service advert warning kids on what happens when you do drugs. This song is also everything that can go bad at Eurovision. This could be as bad if not worse than Bosnia’s Deen from 2004.

This has the longest odds available this Eurovision and those odds are thoroughly deserved. A song this bad that is sung by someone who could not even make the live shows of X Factor Adria 2015 (the 4 country X-factor including Montenegro) could not be expected to even make the Eurovision final. The person at RTCG (the Montenegrin broadcaster) who decided on this song should be fired.

Montenegro uses internal selections to determine their participants for Eurovision. Maybe in 2018 they should take it to the people. Popular voting could not result in anything worse that what Montenegro is currently sending to Eurovision.

This year’s entry won’t end up with the least amount of points Montenegro has received at Eurovision. It would be hard to get less than the 20 points in the semi that Montenegro finished with in 2012

Cyprus
Semi final 1
Artist: Hovig
Song: Gravity
Odds: $67

Word of the day:
Puan - σημεία - Points
12 of them from Greece.



Gravity is the only song Thomas G:Son has co-written to appear in this year’s Eurovision. He has previously written or co-written Eurovision entries for Sweden, Spain, Norway, Georgia, Denmark, as well as last year’s entry for Cyprus and why would you not employ this guy as a writer? G:son won Eurovision in 2012 and out of the 12 previous entries that he has been involved with prior to this year, only one failed to make the final. Sure he has written about 70 songs that have failed to make it through various national selections, but it is only the ones that make it that count.

This will get 12 points from Greece because Greece always gives Cyprus points. Hovig is also well known to Greek audiences after appearing on X-Factor Greece in 2009. He is also the closest thing to a Turkish Cypriot that Cyprus will ever send to Eurovision, being of Armenian descent. Well Armenia is close geographically to Turkey…

This is not the first time that a song called Gravity has gone to Eurovision. This year’s Eurovision Hosts Ukraine sent Gravity in 2013. Cyprus’ Gravity is a better song, but Ukraine had a giant which scores bonus points.

This is far from the worst song Cyprus has ever sent to Eurovision. That award appears to go to the song from 1986

Spain
Final
Artist: Manel Navarro
Song: Do it for Your Lover
Odds: 151

Word of the day
controversia - controversy.
It would not be Eurovision without it.
 

Usually songs that do not go through the semi finals start at shorter odds and drift out after the semi’s are over. As part of the big 5 (with Italy, UK, France and Germany), Spain goes straight to the Eurovision final but is entering the event with odds of $151, currently equal with Switzerland, Montenegro, Albania, Malta and Slovenia and the longest odds available for this year’s event. This song is probably even money to finish last this year… which is understandable listening to it.

This song is a catchy little summer tune, but it is not a Eurovision song. The song the public voted for in Spain is much more Eurovision. Contigo by Mirela drew in the national selection with Manel Navarro, but the judges, which included a DJ connected with Manel, broke the tie giving it to… Manel. The crowd got upset and Eurovision got a sub-standard song. The crowds boos are evidence enough that the Spanish people still care about Eurovision even if the judges don’t.

Eurovision has the song that the Spanish people put third in their national selection. At least the people got to contribute to this choice. Come countries are told what their Eurovision entry is and don’t even get to pretend it is popular and diplomatic. At least Spain got to play pretend.

Spain has not won a Eurovision since 1969, when it was one of 4 winners (with UK, the Netherlands and France). If they keep doing what they are doing with the national selection, Spain will not win another Eurovision for a very long time

Serbia
Semi final 2
Artist: Tijana Bogićević Тијана Богићевић
Song: In Too Deep
Odds: $19

Word of the day
пролазан - Passable
which this song is. Qualifier certainly.

There is probably a medication Eurovision could take when song writers repeat on them. Serbia’s entry this year features writers who contributed to this year’s songs from FYR Macedonia and Bulgaria. This is probably the better of the three songs that Symphonics International has contributed to, even though the Bulgarian song is more popular with the book makers.

So, Eurovision is where you go if you have a heap of crap songs to offload. Ralph Siegal does it, Thomas G:Son, and now Symphonics Interntational. Who are Symphonics International anyway and why should we care? Also are imported writers really better than home grown?

Serbia has opted for internal selections the last 2 years after a couple of songs selected through Беовизија failed to qualify for the Eurovision final. They have also stopped sending entries in Serbian, which they did for 6 years after winning with Molitva in 2007 (so 7 times in all). Songs in native languages are great fun for fans. If you don’t know what they are singing about, you can make it up and often the made up definitions are better than the actual one.

In 2011 Тијана was a backing vocalist on one of the best songs Serbia has ever sent to Eurovision. Čaroban.

Malta
Semi Final 2
Artist: Claudia Faniello
Song: Breathlessly
odds: $151

word of the day:
ddisprata - Desperate
Really desperate to be in Eurovision... really...


There is no dispute with the odds given to this song. It is an average song that is severely over-sung. The only possible way this will qualify is if 8 contestants in the second semi suddenly withdraw, or are disallowed entry by the Ukrainian Authorities, or ze Germans... where ever Eurovision will be this year.

Claudia has been desperate to be Malta’s Eurovision entry, DESPERATE! From 2006 to 2013 she was in every edition of Malta’s song for Europe, sometimes with two songs. After a three year break Claudia returned this year with a song written by two of Malta’s most popular composers. Maybe the Maltese public voted Claudia through because they couldn’t handle another 8 years of Claudia in A Song for Europe.

Claudia’s brother has been to Eurovision twice, finishing 9th in 2001 and last in 2006. The last was deserved, and the 9th, well 2001 was a lean year. Fortunately Fabrizio realised he should quit. I hope Claudia learns soon too.

Malta quit Eurovision after 1975 only to return 16 years later. They needed that time away to improve… well everything. It could not have got worse.

Italy
Final
Artist: Francesco Gabbani
Song: Occidentali's Karma (Westerners Karma)
Odds: $2.37 (current favourite)

Word of the day
Secondo - Second
Where favourites from Italy finish... at best...

When going into Eurovision you need a reasonable song and a good gimmick. Italy has the gimmick of the Ape Dance. It would just be interesting with how popular this song is, if they try to get other Eurovision entrants to copy it. It could be difficult if they ask Isaiah from Australia to do the ‘ape dance’ seeing being called an ape (monkey or gorilla) is rather offensive to aboriginal people.

Occidentali's Karma is a social commentary, a satire on western society. Comedy rarely works at Eurovision however this song is fortunate that it is also catchy. This song also grows on you the more you hear it. It is a shame then that this song will only appear at the final.

Italy’s main issue historically is their presentation. It has improved, but they could do more. This is not a song contest after all, it is an entertainment extravaganza… or some shit...

It is shocking that Italy has only twice won the grand prix that still has ‘song contest’ in its name. This year Italy is the favourite, as they often are. A favourite of Eurovision last appeared for the third time in 1966, and still never won.

Belgium
Semi final 1
Artist: Blanche
Song: City Lights
Odds: $8 (4th)

Word of the day
gevarenzone - zone dangereuse - danger zone
Highway to the...



Last year Blanche, then known as Ellie Delvaux, was knocked out of The Voice Belgique (one of Belgium’s two versions of The Voice currently running) just before the qualifying final. This year Belgium is sending her to Kyiv. The song was apparently initially written in an imaginary language with just the words City and Lights in English. Though it would have been the third time Belgium went to Eurovision with an imaginary language, in the end they decided to change all to English.

Female vocalists singing about ‘the danger zone’ go back decades. In She-bop, Cyndi Lauper mentioned “I can’t stop messing with the danger zone” when singing about masturbation. Redefines the lines “All alone in the danger zone, are you ready to take my hand”

Could a contestant from The Voice Belgique do a duet with a contestant from The Voice van Vlaanderen (Belgium’s other version of The Voice)? That could make for an interesting song. Not that this year’s entry is not interesting, it could just be less ‘same’… or more same. It could be anything.

Everyone enters a talent show contestant and sings in English now. The first time Belgium sung in English was 1977

Slovenia
Semi final 1
Artist: Omar Naber
Song: On My Way
Odds: $151

Word of the day
vojno območje - Warzone
Somewhere Slovenia likes to send Omar...


Over the last 12 years he has released 3 albums and been jailed for sexual assault. The criminal conviction would cause him to be denied entry into some countries, but he can go to Ukraine while Russia (and potentially Armenia) may be denied entry. It is a strange world.

Despite his conviction for sexual assult, Omar apparently lives in the UK where he is a licensed busker on the London Underground (does he think he is Ed Sheeran?). Usually a conviction and sentence of over 6 months in the last 10 years meant you couldn’t enter the UK. Obviously the UK authroities don't google visa applicants.

The odds on this song are possibly a little cruel seeing this song is not that bad. There have been worse songs that have reached the top ten in Eurovision, and even won. This won’t win, it doesn’t have the political backing, but the odds should reflect that it will qualify for the final… it should qualify for the final… maybe…

Omar last appeared at Eurovision (with the same hairdo) the last time it was in Ukriane. He didn’t make the final then, and if you believe the bookmakers, he won’t make it this time either.

Armenia
Semi-final 1
Artist: Artsvik Արծվիկ
Song: Fly With Me
Odds: $19

Word of the day
երեսպաշտ - Hypocritical
What it could be is Russia was disqualified and this wasn't



Artsvik is a former contestant in Голос, the Russian version of the voice. She was eliminated in the battle rounds after singing Never Gonna Give You Up. Artsvik could be eliminated from Eurovision before even getting there as she has performed in Crimea, which means she may be banned from entering the host country, Ukraine.

There are some who may subscribe to the theory that this entry was part of the Russian conspiracy to humiliate Ukraine or some rubbish, but there is no logical reason other than coincidence that could explain why, out of 24 artists, potentially the only one that could be banned from the Ukraine was chosen from a combination of Jury and televoting. An international Jury that go Artsvik to the top two did not even include one Russian (and the jury that made the determination from that top two only had one Russian). It is almost inconceivable that Artsvik was a plant.

Fly With Me deserves to compete in Eurovision. It is Ethno-pop, but it is at least interesting. Worse than that though, it took Armenia three months to decide on the artist for this song. They will never decide on a replacement in time for the big event.

One of the writers of this Armenian entry also co-wrote the 2009 entry. 2017 is a much better year