I am a dung beetle.... constantly pushing shit around

Croatia

wins: None (though the only Yugoslav act that won Eurovision was Croatian in 1989)

expected place: will not qualify

Higlights

he is kinda cute

lowlights

the fades too and from Vaseline screen, dont you only do that if some is old or hideously ugly








Croatia: Igor Cukrov & Andrea Šušnjara 'Lijepa Tena'

Ouch my ears. OK he needs to lower the tune of that song to a pitch he can reach... and so does she. that wasnt comfortable for me and it certainly wasn't comfortable for them. How the hell did this win Dora (the Croatian national selection). that was rubbish

Since Croatia started entering Eurovision in 1993, I dont think they have sent a single good act to Eurovision. their songs are either as boring as Bat-sh!t, or they are just sh!t. this one falls into the later category. seriously, who do you have to fvck to win Dora... I will go over there and enter AND WIN!... anything is better than this... and lets face it, if this is the best they cant get in Croatia, I will be a shoe-in.

I said all that last year though and it is because i didnt go through with it, we have to listen to this. I am sorry, it is all my fault. It is my fault Croatia wont be in the final this year and it is my fault we have to endure this crap. I'm sorry.

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Vice Vukov 'Brodovi' (Yugoslavia, 1963) this is from the first time Vice went to Eurovision. in 1965 he had a better song, but 1963, it is all about the hair.

Estonia

Wins: 2001

Expected place: 6th

Highlights

it is not an overly offensive noise

lowlights

well it doesnt seem to really go anywhere, does it





Estonia - Urban Symphony 'Rändajad'

have you ever thought what the witch girl from 'Ring' (Japanese version, none of this American tripe) would look like if she brushed her hair... well wonder no more. Estonia: solving another riddle of the world

what I dont get about this song is why hold a violin for two minutes to only pick it up and pretend to play it for 30 seconds. she was playing to a backing track! why bother! I mean yeah, they had to do something to make a performance out of the song, but that didnt cut it. I wanted hand waving damn it! anything would be better than attempted artsy camera angles, and lets face it, they barely bothered to pretend there too.

the problem I foresee is that Estonia predominately gives and gets it points from the Nordic countries and give heaps of points to Russia (because you have to stay on their good side, you never know when they will invade again) and I think Norway will get the better end of those votes mainly because Norway is more fun. but I should forget Norway, right...

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Ivo Linna and Maarja-Liis Ilus 'Kaelakee Hääl'. If nothing else, the background by Norway is worth it... actually hats about all thats worth it

Sweden

Wins: 1974 (ABBA), 1984, 1991 and 1999

expected place: 18th in final

Highlights:

she is a toilet roll doll in mourning.

lowlights:

other than the vocals, it could be invincible, the Swedish entry from 2006



Sweden: Malena Ernman 'La Voix'

It sounds a little World Famous Supreme Team Show, doesnt it? It coud be advertising British Airways. Oh that gives me an idea, instead of Andrew Lloyd Webber, the UK should get Malcom McLaren to create their Eurovision entry for next year. You dont know what you will end up with, but you know it will be interesting.

Going back to Sweden though, this song is doing what Slovenia did in 2007. it is nothing new. I also see that the major problem will not be qualifying for the final, but the type of songs it would be up against in the final. The UK is already in the final with something similar and the slovenian entry this year is also going to take votes from this song.

In recent years, traditional Eurovision contries like Denmark, Sweden and the UK have complained about the 'bloc voting' and said this has resulted in eastern european countries doing better than western european countries. This has been rebutted with the point that western europe has almost exclusively sent crap to eurovision. this year many coutries are trying to nject a little bit of quality into the songs, but their is still a high portion of crap within the song. like this song. quality opratic vocals, but eveything else is average. I would say it wont ein, but i cant judge europes opinion of swened. I said Carola would be crap and The Ark would do great...

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Kikki Danielsson 'Bra Vibrationer' - 1985. yes i chose this song for the name and not for the hot pink jacket (and matching shoes) or the silver striped satin jumpsuit.

Czech Republic

wins: none

expected place this year: 16th in final

Highlights

the outfit

Lowlights

the outfit


Czech Rebublic: Gypsy.cz 'Aven Romale'

there must be something in the water in he Czech republic and it is pretty strong. they better to something about it before anyone else gets hurt, I mean i am almos blinded by whatever it is and I am nowhere near Europe.

if i disect this into its parts, the song isnt too bad, the tune is catchy and toe tappy, the perfiormance is well done... but whats with the citrus superman? maybe they dont get Bananaman in the Czech republic, but get Mandarinman instead (Tangerineman? Orangeman? Tangeloman...). anyway his dancing is a little bit... Fat Pizza, yeah the kinda dance a wog boy who thinks he is hot would do in a nightclub to impress the laydeez...seems to work in the Czech republic though...

The song appears to inject some humour into this years contest... though with that suit they might inject something else.... but i wont go there. lets just say it will do ok, but wont come anywhere near wnning.

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Kabát 'Malá Dáma' (2007). The Czech Republic has only been in two eurovisions and has never made the final. I cant see why.... 2007, their first entry in the contest, tried to ride on the popularity of the 2006 winner, but went without Lordis monster costumes. it also appeared lack musicallity... but then thats ok for eurovision

Spain

Wins: 1968 and 1969 (note this is he fourth winner for 1969, yes it was a 4 way tie and there was no countback back then)

expected place - 23rd

Highlights

shiney

lowlights

blinded 


Spain - Soraya 'La Noche Es Para Mí' (The Night Is For Me)

I dont think I have said it this year sofar, but here it is: MINGE!!! yes you can see her breakfast!!! and I hope they are tassles at the end of her dress because the alternative... dont go there... ew!

the main possitive here is that it is better than the spainish entry from last year, but then i is near inpossible for an entry to not be better than Rodolfo Chikilicuatre (how that finishied 16th, i will never know). the negative thought is her dancers, they need to go back to dance shcool. then there is the song...

this is another case of a song hat have got a pot and bubbled together a genre for eurovision, though spains genre is eurovision pop. there is about 3 previous ntries that can say she ripped off their song, most are greek and turkish entries, so spain is obviously going for the greek, turkish and cypriot vote so hey will have alteast 3 points at the end of the night, and hoopefully that will be all. i hink the big 4 backlash will hurt spain as always. 

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Remedios Amaya '¿quién Maneja Mi Barca?' (1983) OMG she sounds like she is in pain and it is painful to hear. put her out of her misery, seriously. and the dress, lets make the not skinner woman look fatter. I cannot understand why this song came last and got 0 points.... 

Norway

Wins: 1985, 1995

expected place - top 4 and going by what I have seen sofar, this could quite conceivably be the 2009 winner... 

Highlights

he is kinda cute

Lowlights

he is kinda 22! (though his 23rd birhtday is the day before his semi final performance)


Norway - Alexander Rybak 'Fairytale'

OK yes he is a former Idolist, Yes he is Norways Dean Geyer, but, I think is has the right amount of talent to win this silly contest. he is cute, it was an entertaining presentation and fun performance, ok sure the lyrics are a bit crap, but do you really think this is a song contest.... besides English is like his third language atleast. he was born in Belarus (OK the Soviet Union). why couldnt Belarus fnd omething like him to send to Eurovision?

On the topic of lyrics, 'years ago when I was younger'. OK watching the clip i thought he was like 17 (and i was shocked to find he was 22) and I was thinking 'not that many years ago, honey', I mean he is just a kid.

OK warning (a bit late but anyway) the song is a bit of an earworm, so if you find yourself singing it, it is not my fault, blame youtube... or something... I can understance why it trounce the opposition in the national finals in Norway. I honestly think this could win. 7.5 weeks until we find out if it is Norway 2010, but then I still have like 30 more acts to hear yet. 

Ghost of Eurovision past: Anne Karine Strøm 'Mata hari' (1976). I feel a little guilty following up the potential winner with 1976's biggest loser, but it is what Eurovision is about... that and I am trying to work out which of these songs is more camp oh and Anne Karine, Elton John called and he wants his glasses back... 
 

 

Albania

Won: never

Expected place - will not qualify

Highlights:

the end, it did.

lowlights:

performance. there wasn't one.


Albania: Kejsi Tola 'Me Murr Ne Enderr' (english version for Eurovision 'carry me in your dreams')

Did You know Albania is a country of some 3.6 Million people? You would never guess it eh? I mean seriously, surely some of those 3.6 million can work as backing dancers. atleast 3 of them should be able to dance right? that would be something, anything! I mea anything is better than her stubbling around lamely in the middle of the stage like the popular girl forsaken by her friends in an american teen movie.

what made me refer to American Movies though is that she is 16, but then there is also that dress. When Ruffus sung 'Eighties Coming Back' in Eurovision in 2003, Albania thought they were fortune tellers, the eighties having hit Albania more recently or so it seems.

Idolists should not enter Eurovision. they are people who have themselves fooled that they have talent and we dont need more of that in Eurovision. this is a prime example, as is the UK. Spain and Israel have also sent Idolists previously. silly people.

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Ledina Celo 'Tomorrow I go' (2005), this was Albanias second attempt at Eurovision, and well this year sounds like a slight improvement on 2005, doesnt it?

Netherlands

winner: 1957, 1959, 1969, 1975

Expected place - please dont qualify... please!

Highlights

I was going to say the shiney suits, and they could be, if they were a size larger... sometimes room for the imaginaton is good... *shudder*

lowlights

nuff said


Netherlands - De Toppers 'Shine'

when I saw the title i feared something along the lines of Vanessa Amarossi, but this couldnt be further from her if it tried, she atleast has some talent. this is beyond words. it is lke a middle-aged boy band or something. they must have thought BoyTown was a documentary in the Netherlands. Raising the dead is never good, I know, I have seen the movies.

2009 is rapidly becoming a year of mediocraty. ok, Eurovision acts are never expected to be great, but why are they all sooo bad! a few years ago, while watching Eurovision, somewhere around song 12, the words came out of the TV from the great Sir Terry Wogan 'that was truely awful' and never have truer words been spoken and they couldnt be more apt if they were about this group.

i could go on about the costumes, because alfoil is a great look. I am sure they can get SBS, and they woud be the only ones. also what is with putting the backing singers in layered dresses (aka: the teen queens) because putting that kinda dress on larger women is slimming... NOT. maybe it was an attempt to distract from the horror of the guys outfits. it didnt work.

Ghost of Eurovision Past: Greetje Kauffeld 'Wat een dag' (1961)... So when was marijuana like ok'd in the Netherlands again... yay for the toilet roll dolls!

 Georgia

Winner: Never, like thats gonna change ths year

expected place - in front of the TV wondering what couldn have been, thats if they even telecast Eurovision with thier childish protest. 

Highlights

that this wont be going to Eurovision

lowlights

that the reason it is not going to Eurovision is because the Georgian Eurovision delectation are like a child who is told they can have one lolly and have a hissy-fit because they want two.  


Georgia - Stephane and 3G 'We dont wanna put it'

well you didnt want to put in, so you wont. simple. partially because the following lyrics were demed to be anti-Russia (more specifially anti-Putin): 
We don't wanna put in,
Cuz negative move,
It's killin' the groove,
I'm gonna try to shoot in,
Some disco tonight,
Boogie with you:

partially because politics (and political statements and gestures) are not allowed in Eurovision (though if you looked at some of the voting, you wouldnt be too sure of that), and partially because the Georgian delegaton, rather than change the offending line which they knew could have been a possiblity in February when French media (not Russian as in some reports) noted that the lyrics could be interpreted as anti-Putin, and had confirmed last week, that was manditory for competition. I mean here is genious, Eurovision is hosted in Russia this year after Dima Bilan won for Russia in Serbia last year. lets go to an event in Russia, and be surrounded by Russian people, police and military and sing a song that is Anti the russian leader. Did they think that even if the EBU (who control Eurovision) allowed the song that singing this in Russia would be a smart move?

No, My rant is not over because I found out that one of the people on the Georgian delegation was Diana Gurtskaya who represented Georgia in Eurovision last eyar with a song called 'Peace will Come', well tell that to the people of South Ossetia... which is the reason Georgia are narky about Russia, because Russia STOPPED GEORGIA FOR ANIHALATING ALL THE SOUTH OSSETIANS FOR THEIR LAND. GAH!

Anyway, the song is quite aveage and disco and average

Ghost of Non-Eurovision past: Aline Lahoud 'Quand Tout S'enfuit' - 2005 (Lebanon). This song withdrew from the Contest after the Lebonese broadcaster was informed that no, they could not have an ad break while the Israeli song was being performed. other notable mentioned are the Ukarine who have has to change their song twice in recent years, Lithuania who had to make a slight lyrical change a couple years back, and Ireland and Israel who were bother warned about their songs. Oh and tATu from Russia who were told they wernt allowed to kiss each other on stage because it was a family show. I could have posted Serbia and Montengro's (well more Montenegro's) 'No Name' who 'won' their national selection in 2006 with 'Moja Ljubavi', or Flamigosi with 'Ludi Letnji Ples', the Serbian act that came second who managed to come second with no points from the montenegrin Jury (only televoting and the Sebian jury gave any of their points to them despite up 1-8 and 10 and 12 points being available to give), but if i put one, i would have to put both and who knows who should have been the entry in 2006 for Serbia and Montenego as they were both OK songs... 
 

 

Bosnia & Hertzegovina

Winner: never

Expected place: 10th in final

Higlights

the drummer that doesnt appear to be drunning the drums of the song...

lowlights

the hair... OMG it is the attack of the emos. it is San Marino all over again


Bosnia & Hertzegovina: Regina 'Bistra Voda'

I dont know which amused me more, the emo hair or the echos of Abba with the outfits. When Abba won in 1974, the conductor (they had an orchestra pit in those days and each counry would bring their artist and performers and a conductor) he came out dressed as Napoleon. personally I think this is Regina's Waterloo.

Personally I think San Marino's Emos from last year were better than Bosnia & Hertzegovna's, but I want huge on the Serbian Emo that won the year before so who am i to judge quality, I mean I love Eurovision... one would be kidding themself if they believed this was a contest based on quality.

I think i quote from this song when I say that there is 'no tomorrow' for it after the Eurovision, unless they faff up their performance. then it will be on the out-take clips of eurovision for eons.

Ghost of Eurovision past Alma Čardžić 'Goodbye' -1997 which is what Regina should say to their career... please do... please... also is it just me or did Alma steal from Katrina (from katrina and the Waves)? it looks like she stole Katrina's Hair!